My life is on course. the things that i want to do im doing, ive stopped my drugs and drinking. Good things come daily and i have a dream that would take me the rest of my life, just to get a little bit done/ so thats perfect. meaning its not boring and im going to be well occupied till the end of my days. Seems perfect. am i happy, yes no depends on the day im happiest when i forget to think about being happy, haha that’s it im happy when im totally involved in something. when im creating. i try to recreate this feeling everyday all day. it doesn’t really matter what it is. just matters that its new and interesting to me. its exciting and i want to do it. i dont care about the finish product, just stick it out till something is done then move on to the next thing. It’s the impervance to all of this that has left me baffled, whats it all for. It seems that conciousness itself is just this wonderful gift that shows you the creation as a whole from one point. From this point you observe the whole and watch creation change and evolve. It’s a small and limited point and your perspective is very small as your conscious only uses your senses to observe reality, and at this point the ability to be aware of the whole forces a feeling of separation from the whole, which i guess is necessary to be able to observe it. The creation is incredible and words like amazing and wow are everyday occurences, but why, no answer just is, just do create, connect, disconnect, love, live, die, reborn, again and again and again. For what, for the feeling of never-ending being living, doing, creating and dieing, To have and to hold, to let go and to fold, losing the love and never gaining a permanent foothold on anything or anyone, cause you never had it, and you always had it cause its just one big thing that is you so this amazing gift of consciousness comes with this terrible side effect of feeling forever apart from the whole when in fact you are the thing you experience. I guess if you were aware of the whole and nothing else it might truly be a a lonely place, i mean for real, imagine floating in a void in the body you are in now with nothing else forever. i get it, haha, i would go inside and create a place in my mind to experience the only thing i had which was myself, and i would create and love cause there is nothing more.